Week 6 / On creating safe space for growth
"Before we help each other discover our passion, we should help each other feel okay not to know what we want to do at times."
"Before we help each other discover our passion, we should help each other feel okay not to know what we want to do at times."
Today marks the last day of my summer in San Francisco. I will be traveling and visiting home in Bangkok for a few weeks before coming back to the Bay Area again in September to start work. This past week has been a little busy with packing and helping roommates here and there, so this entry is more of a reminder about an important lesson I learned this summer than the usual thought experimentation.
I spent the majority of the past two and a half months working on my passion projects. One of them is Alcove, an initiative that aims to help people build the self-awareness needed to lead lives in their own terms. My best friend and I started this initiative because we believe in the power of self-awareness and the ripple effects of doing things with passion.
As an avid advocate for that vision, I personally try to either create an opportunity to do what I enjoy or shift my perspectives to make things I do more enjoyable. In most cases, this trait has gravitated me towards many inspiring people who pour their hearts and souls into what they do, whether it's professional work-related or not. However, this same trait also develops one critical blindspot that if I am not careful about, I could unintentionally pressure myself and others around me to feel the need to always know what we want in our lives. In order words, by constantly seeking for certainty, I could be taking away the safe space to feel okay being uncertain. Just like how businesses with no autonomy to explore ambiguous opportunity spaces don't bring about innovation, individuals with no safe space don't develop the cognitive growth necessary to meet the demands of the 21st century.
There are entire industries devoted to resolving larger uncertainties: from shop-front palm readers, to the mythical "black boxes" that can supposedly predict stock trends and make investors millions. Some parts of accounting and consulting make their money by helping executives experience a perception of increasing certainty, through strategic planning and "forecasting". While the financial markets of 2008 showed once again that the future is inherently uncertain, the one thing that's certain is that people will pay lots of money to at least feel less uncertain. That's because uncertainty feels, to the brain, like a threat to your life.
— David Rock, CEO of NeuroLeadership Group
But I am not the only one seeking certainty. We can see the act of seeking for certainty occurs in all forms around us every day. Spending hours planning our lives months or even years in advance; parents pressuring their children to get things done way ahead of time; companies investing millions of dollars in the attempts to forecast the market trends — it's our natural tendency as human beings to do so. This is because as much as seeking certainty jeopardizes safe space and our ability to grow, it gives us the comfort and the confidence to make decisions. How might we work around our natural craving for certainty and create a safe space for ourselves and others? The short and easy version of an answer is to listen more and judge less. Following is the longer version:
As ourselves (especially if you are a perfectionist like me), we could spend a few minutes every week trying new things that are out of our usual character to remind ourselves that it's okay to do things differently and understand ourselves better. Joe Edelman's Out of Character activity is an amazing way to get started.
As a friend, we could help create the space by being an amazing listener, especially when a friend is going through a big transition where s/he/de faces a high degree of uncertainty. I personally think we are incapable of putting ourselves into others' shoes entirely. There are many nuances in anyone's experience with anything. Therefore, giving advice could do more harm than good. I believe more in the power of listening with an open mind.
As someone with love and authority (e.g., parents and partners), our biggest blocker to provide the safe space is our expectations of someone we love. We expect out of our natural tendency to seek for certainty, thus a way to work around that is to be more aware of it and trust our loved ones more. In Principle-centered Leadership, Covey talks about the importance of visualizing others' potential as a way to stop trying to change them overnight. Trusting and letting our expectations of our loved ones go could make us feel less comfortable in the short run, but will make us feel like they are being listened to and able to trust us more.
Here are some amazing pieces related to cognitive growth and creating safe space:
Immunity to Change by Robert Kegan
Robert Kegan is a Meehan Professor of Adult Learning and Professional Development at the Harvard University Graduate School of Education.
He spent thirty years researching and writing on adult development has highlighted the importance of ongoing psychological development after adolescence in meeting the demands of modern life.
Joe Edelman is a philosopher, social scientist, and designer. He's the founder of Human Systems, a global community for those redesigning institutions and social spaces so as to better support meaningful lives and human values.
He believes that the current political moment demands a change in the way human systems (social networks, political systems, organizations) are designed; and making this change means having a clearer understanding of people (and of how they live and cooperate).
This newsletter is one of the safe spaces I created for myself. These past few weeks in the space have been a wonderful ride on a growth superhighway. Thank you for being on it with me, and I am very excited to see where it's going to take us!
What are your thoughts?
In addition to general feedback you might have, I'd love to hear about a time when you felt like your safe space was being taken away or when you feel like you have taken the space away from someone else. Reply to share thoughts!
Thanks for giving my thoughts your attention ❣️
If you like this, subscribe and share with friends.
If you have thoughts on this, reply to share them.
Happy self-made,
Mind